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random thoughts...tahimik kasi (taken from my writings on three pieces of scratch papers) It’s 9:46 in my clock and I find myself alone in the boarding house where me and my colleagues from gma and qtv live. I am writing on a bond paper. I am recently used to pouring out my thoughts in front of a computer and bursting them all out with the use of a keyboard. Now I go the conventional way. The old way. Just like I used to. I just moved in this Thursday. It’s Saturday now. I feel lighthearted. I enjoy the quietness. Just a while ago, when I thought of squeezing my head out and putting everything into writing, a baby (I’m not particular if it’s a boy or a girl) was hysterically crying in the house right next to us. The crying just stopped and all I hear right now is the grumbling of the steel electric fan that one of my housemates own. Anyway, I got home quite early. Very unusual. I was here at 4 in the afternoon. Usually, a very busy hour for a busy Saturday, all crammed up for next week’s airing. I thought of going to the gym to work my ass out, but I thought of giving myself a treat- a rest! I washed my filthy rubber shoes that has been serving me well for nearly two years, took a nap by five, woke up at six, found my self still alone in the house and rose up at six thirty. My friend who’s now living a thousand miles from me just texted, miss na daw niya ako hehe. Thinking how distant we are breaks my hearts but I find comfort in the thought that she is happy to be reunited with her family. I missed what I’m just doing right now. A few moments all by myself. I am used to being alone, depending on myself and the God I believe in. you wouldn’t see Him walking beside me buit I know he’s there. Other than that, there are no other physical being that I totally depend on. I have learned to rely on my self and the inner strength that has developed for years. Maybe I was just brought up this way. And I decided to be this way. This is a very seldom experience that I get in the profession I chose. And so I wouldn’t want to miss the chance of celebrating it. The best way I thought of is to share it and with this writing, I’d be reminded in the future of special moments when life doesn’t seem to be ruled by deadlines and schedule. I feel like living everyday based on the tag line of gma’s defunct reality tv show; “everything is a test, dream, believe, survive!” everything is a test and everyone is a competitor. Once, my former boss from melandjoey said that it is impossible to find a true friend in the place where we work because every single person in the network competes to prove themselves worthy of staying in the company and living the glamour of the company name. I still think of it today. Not that I believe in it 100% but I consider the thought. Sort of rings in my head. I have met many good persons in the industry. Some I trust fully, others, I consider friends with benefits. We, both benefit from a friendship we share. Fair enough. But it’s quite a scare to hear from someone who has been in the industry for only-God-knows-how-long, that in the years he has devoted his life to this job, he hasn’t found a single soul to consider a friend and trust fully. I think maybe he’s tried his best to find that there could be someone, but he found otherwise. Nakakalungkot. I suddenly remember I just turned 24 bout two weeks ago. And friends have made this birthday and the one from the previous year to be really sweet celebrations. Thanks to these friends from the industry, life has had some sweet excitements. I realized the aloneness has hardened me. I’ve gone so many things. Met a lot of people. Did crazy stuff. Ate a lot. But somehow, I feel like there is no direction. That I just live thinking for a week or month a head, a year, the most (usually planning for the youth camp). But nothing serious that would concern my future. Like a career path. I just get the thought sometimes that I am only wasting my life. That I don’t work for a long term job. That I’m as good as my next story. That time flies by so fast and I am really growing old. The scary part of it, I’d be growing old alone. Friends wouldn’t always be there, my parents would be really old and by the time then, they’ll be old enough and hardly hear and recognize me. My only sister would have her own family. And I’d be alone still planning for my next week’s story. Boy, I’d go to sleep now. I’ll be at the church tom. shagged on 5/20/2008 04:02:00 PM Comments: Post a Comment